nak bwk my ama and apa pegi konvo gua, tapi mahal gilah pi ceruk nun, ada sapa sapa kenai tokei kapal terbang? kasi diskaun seround please?

haishh..

and who said money cant buy happiness?

Mamamama

Lately I've looked at my mum, and I saw a frail looking woman. No, nothing happen to Ma. Ma is still strong, joking and laughing, walking even sometime running with my nephews and niece. But lately, she look tired. The lines in her face teaching me history that no other book can offer. During the night before I scheduled to be back in Terengganu, I throw a thin blanket next to her bed, eased my hand upwards so that we touched. Barely. I don't want to wake her up, but I was suddenly overwhelmed with a longing feelings of missing her, of loving her. I look again at her tired face and I cried. My life played in front of me, and I despise to remember things that may hurt her. Oh Mama, how can I tell you enough that I love you so much. I keep feeling scared that you gonna leave me someday and I keep feeling sad to know how heart broken you gonna get if you lose me first.

I know Mama, dalam banyak banyak cinta, selain cinta dengan Tuhan, cinta dengan Ibu lah cinta yang teragung. And right now, I'm thanking God, for bestowing you to me. You are the best Ma.

The very best. The light of my life.

About 2 weeks ago, a friend throw me this "If you lose anybody dear to you now, you'll live in excruciating pain"

I said, "I will but I'll keep walking"

I don't know why that is my answer. Maybe I'm trying to prove my point, trying to show that I'm tough.

But right now Ma, I could not imagine my life without you. Please God, let my life brings her happiness. Give me chance to give her that. Give me chance to give her more smiles and laughs. And maybe... after that, the lines wont look so bad anymore..

I've come here almost every day, log in almost every time, type some words one time or another and yet failed to publish any. I have wrote bout my PhD, I have wrote bout my feelings and what happened around me, but at the end of each post, things that I wrote about doesn't seems that interesting.

This blog has served its purposes. She has witnessed so many things and I have recently been thinking to shut it off to public. But my heart is against my brain, I feel there is still some unfinished business here.

I'm waiting for some news tomorrow, please pray for me. Hope it will be in my favor :)

Part time tulis lirik. Any takers?

I’m losing myself, trying to compete

With yourself

For your love

That’s what you feel.

How can you say I don’t understand?

I’m tired of running around, chasing you but not getting full of you.

Hugging you one night and touching only your shadow the other

That’s how you feel.

How can you say I don’t understand?

I had enough

Breathing at your heart beat,

Pacing up to your rhythm and getting lost of all sudden

I had enough

Loving you but not getting love back

That’s what you said…

I want to feel free, rather than tied to these insensible feelings,

I want to touch you, without being burned with hurt

The moon that you once given me, it’s now fading it shines,

That’s what you really think,

So how can you say I don’t understand?

I had enough

Breathing at your heart beat,

Pacing up to your rhythm and getting lost of all sudden

I had enough

Loving you but not getting love back

That’s what you said…

I look out the window and I see dark night, I wonder why. Then i realize I've given moon to you.

Alhamdullilah and insyaallah. Life is not perfect but i have perfect people around me. So to you and you and you, thank you. I may not be the greatest thing that you have and please do pardon my weaknesses, but im here. Im all here.

So many things have happened, and yet only very little to tell. I’ve become a master of sealing my feelings closed inside, buried down under ground of bitterness top with branches and leaves made of smile. Has it made me cold to people around me? I don’t know.

8 months in 2011, I have not achieved what I want. I’m a suspect waiting for my sentence to be heard, will I come out from this agony with smile of people around me, or their tears pitying my failure. My body is cut across diagonally, half of me want to know now, the other half is retreating far across the corner, hugging knee close to the chest. Although this matter is the ultimate thing that I should be worried about, I’m still allowing myself to be bothered by things that I thought I should already put it behind me.

No matter how many times I tried, no matter how many times I washed off my feelings with honey, sipping happiness bit by bit, the pain still stung me now and then. Why am I being punished this way? Am I that horrible, am I that bad that I don’t deserve piece of you? No matter how small you can offer? Why?

Should I move on? Should I be like you and throw 11 years of friendship down the drain? You know how painful I am now? When so many things in my life involves you, when so many things that I saw reminds me of you. But I have to swallow the fact that I’m no longer needed, I have to accept that for you, US is no longer exist. I have to accept the damn cruel fact that my existence is nothing, nil, nada, ZERO.

I have to.

But why do I have these little whispers that ask me to wait for you with open arms. Why after what happened, I am not able to hate you.. I’m not able to throw you out. I’m still thinking of the day we ran across the field in March 2000, free and happy.. I’m still thinking of the days you hold my hands while I’m panting searching for air when we climbed those mountains and those hills. Why am I still missing you?

You know sister, I’m optimistic and realistic. I put logic in every equation that I come up with. And I know in this life, I want to be happy, I would like to be happy with you, but if I don’t have you, I will find way to be happy without you. Regardless of the emotional turmoil that you put me through, I am happy now. I have my back bone still with me, I have my other half standing next to me and I have friend that laugh and cry with me.

It sucks that you left, you left a big black void of space in my heart. It sucks. But if sucks is what you think I deserve to have, then sucks is what I will accept. Be happy sister, be happy. I will be satisfied with just that. Be happy.

Next week is Raya. After missing it for 5 times in a row, celebrating it blues-ly in my lab, this year should be a blast. Thank you Allah, for giving me this opportunity. I’m taking 10 days off from my office. I planned for extra more days actually, but Ma is not well now and I have to reserve whatever remaining cuti I have for her.

Life is actually not bad now in Ganu, I have found myself another set of crazy people who can get along with crazy me and they are great. They are awesome actually. Though they will only be here for only few months, I’m gonna rejoice whatever they gonna offer me and how life gonna turn out after they left, I’m gonna let the future me handle it. The present Yo is doing great. Thanks to my hearty.

So answering question that people keep asking me lately, when will I get err married? I don’t know, me and orang sebelah benua never really put down a date and at this moment, I don’t think I’m ready to settle down just yet. Maybe in a year or two, who knows?

Selamat hari raya peeps. Kalau ada lagi lah yang mai sini, hahaha. Maaf zahir dan batin. Please buzz if you are in Taiping and I’ll bring you to pekena kuewteow goreng tepen seround.. boohoo kuewteow DOLI, there is better one in town.

Cheers,

Kyora

I will always be alone.

As long as I don’t open myself to people, I will always be alone. I knocked my head to the wall few times to keep my consciousness, my hand still holding my abdomen tight, trying to reduce the amount of blood seeping my shirt. My oh my, today is such unlucky day. I know it will come to this eventually, but I never knew that it will come this soon. I should have given more trust to my partner. Haha, guess it’s too late now. I dragged my feet to another wall, a machine gun in hand. I can see my hand trembling. I won’t last long if this keeps going. I took of my shirt, torn it into two, one to be padded on my gunshot wound, one to tighten it. Somehow I feel more in control after I finished covering my wound. I took a deep breath and run forward, charging into the enemy, spreading bullets as I go.

I know I’ll be dead. But it will be dead alone there or dead trying now. I choose the latter.